Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in hawtballsyjohn's LiveJournal:

Friday, October 29th, 2004
11:57 am	Im really sorry Anna and Lauren Lutz, forgive me for ditching you guys I dont expect anyone to come to my rescue. I know what kind of people are around me. My life is just that, my life. If you dont like who I am, or what I have to say, leave me alone. I honsetly feel like a person fighting the world. I dont care about your reactions anymore, some of you have caused me more pain recently than I should take, so I am going to take no more. Anna and Lauren Lutz are examples of true friends. I feel right now as if they are it. No one else has taken the time to talk to me in a reasonable fashion. Everything is about "do you still hate so and so" or "are you still mad at blank" I mean stop and ask me how my day was. Be a friend. I admitted my mistake, and have asked for forgiveness from some people. I dont expect some sort of damn certificate for it. Asking for forgiveness is what people do when they realized they have wronged someone, which I did. I am really getting tired of these stupid comments some of you leave. You can have the freedom to say what you want, but not ME? Come on, our country was not started by whiners, or people that thoguht they were right everytime they opened their ignorant mouths. Comment away, I dont care, Ill just figure out the obvious. Lauren Lutz and Anna were the only TRUE friends I had the whole time. I wish I noticed that sooner, and saved us all some grief. Real friends wouldnt be mean like that. Lauren Sch, Aaron, and Lauren Lutz can leave all the comments they want. At least they want whats best for me. Everyone can too, but just remember that once something is said in type, it can never be taken back. (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
3:49 pm	Wow. Amazing how one internet post can piss off the world. I mean seriously. I acknowledge my own faults privately. I know that I have faults on this. I have admitted those to the people who will talk to me in a calm fashion. Anger is obviously not the way to go about it. I proved that one on Friday. And again with my last post. I truely am sorry if I offended anyone. Seriously. I enjoy the company of you Matt, I was just angry when I wrote that last post. I mean, you are my best guy friend, at least I hope you still are. I would do anything for you, including buying pizza. I enjoy watching the Cardinals games, and I just hope that one incident isnt the straw that breaks the camels back. But I will understand if it does. I also want to apologize to Lauren Sch. I know that I made some hurtful comments, and I sincerely apologize for them. I was out of line in general on Friday, and I do hope that you can forgive me for my words. As for everyone else, I apologize for my actions. I hurt a lot of people on Friday. The way I handled everything was wrong. Since being diagnosed with depression a year and a half ago I have had many struggles. First the obvious one of being labeled as a man with depression, and even worse at the time, a football player with depression. It was a public unvailing when I was diagnosed. I told one person, and they (she) told the world. Since then, I have struggled to find a group of real friends. I think that I have finally found them. But anyways, I still in all likelihood need to still be on Prozac. I quit taking it almost a year ago because I thought everything was great. Since then, any problem I had seemed major, but I pushed on. It all came to a head when I blew out my tire. I was fed up with work, I felt that it was all on me as far as church goes, school is tougher than expected, and everything seemed to be going down hill, along with only having 84 cents in the bank. The only way I felt I could react was the way I did. Thats the way I always have handled my problems. Obviously this is the worng way to go about it. I have hurt many people around me. I hope that a second, or possibly third chance will be given to me. I know I have a lot to work out, but I think I can do it. I know some of you are going to react strongly to this, which is expected. So comment away, but as I have found this last week, words are very hurtful. My words to you, and yours to me in your comments. Please stand next to me the way I would do for you if you needed someone to help you stand strong. I love you all, and hope that everything works out well with us. Please feel free to talk to me, I am sure we can fix everything. Forgive, and forget. Your humbled friend, Mark Johnson (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
6:51 pm	People No names will be used for this journal to protect identity of all those being talked about. I can't believe that my first entry is going to be devoted to me explaining myself. A person in my life feels the need to be involved in my relationship with a special girl. The relationship is great, when this person is not around. He makes me feel awkward, and uptight when he is around me and my girlfriend. The complete polar opposite of how I really am. Anyone who knows me knows this. So I think this person might have possibly messed up this relationship of mine. Well, maybe I messed it up with how I acted when angry at this person, but if not for me being mad at him, I wouldn't have acted like an idiot. Now I feel that there is nothing I can do to fix things. I can't believe that one night of my bad attitude could leave me trying to possibly save an important relationship. I feel really bad for the way I handled myself. I feel that everything could workout fine, given time, and this certain person stays out of the relationship. I told one of her friends how I felt on Friday, and hopefully the message was relayed. Now it is a waiting game. Is it over because she wants it to be, or are we still together, with a few things to workout. Hopefully we can stay together and work things out, but only time, and a forgiving heart will tell. From a squeky chair, where the computer meets my insanity, this is Mark Johnson singing off. . . Current Mood: crushed (15 Comments |Comment on this)